Learning to let go
by Randomcallalily
Summary: Rachel and Puck learn losing a child is the hardest thing you can ever go through, but can they also learn to move on as they slowly learn how to heal? I am really bad at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

Hi! This is my first fanfiction story! Obviously it's a Rachel and Puck story, a bit AU dealing with the death of a child. Please R&R!

**Also I don't own glee! **

"I want a divorce." Rachel whispered as she stared at the floor avoiding the glance of her husband.

"You what?" He asked his mouth agape slightly as he shifted their three year old in his arms. "Are you fucking serious?" He hissed out glaring down at his tiny wife. How could she do even ask this with Amalia in his arms?

"Noah! Be quiet! Don't curse in front of her!" She whispered, her big brown eyes filling with tears as he opened the door to their apartment and wordlessly took their daughter to her room. It was hard being here. Rachel has come to hate being inside their house. She often spent the day anywhere but there and at night she tried her best to cry silently, or better ignore her feelings all together.

Sitting down on their couch she ran her hand across her swollen belly as she felt a sharp kick. It wasn't suppose to end like this. She was twenty-three years old. She was suppose to be on Broadway, she was suppose to be a star. Now she was empty inside. She felt as if she were missing something. Every time she looked at her husband she saw _his_ eyes and _his_ smile. They even laughed the same. She felt another sharp kick and she felt the tears in her eyes burn even more.

"We aren't getting a divorce." Puck sat down next to Rachel and he placed his hand on her chin and turned her face towards him. She wouldn't look in his eyes. "Babe... we aren't getting divorced." She finally looked at him as he tucked her hair behind her ear. "Please baby, don't do this."

This was the man she married, her Noah. If you told her seven years ago that at the age of twenty-three she would be married to Noah Puckerman, have children with him and pregnant once again would have laughed in your face. After Quinn gave birth to Caroline at the age of sixteen and decided she wanted to raise the baby, Puck stepped up to be the father. He and Quinn quietly existed together raising their daughter with help naturally.

Quinn got back with Finn right after Caroline was born. Finn felt an attachment to 'Drizzle' and he still loved Quinn so the two of them got back together with Finn now a main feature in their daughter's life. They had joint custody, Quinn had Caroline during the week, while Puck had her every Thursday and every weekend. Around that time Rachel began helping him watch Caroline. It was hard taking care of a baby on your own at seventeen. His mother worked and he usually watched his sister, Hannah so the extra hand always came in handy. They started off as friends and it slowly became more.

They kissed for the first time during a snow storm. Puck's mother was working that day, so Puck invited Rachel over to help him with the girls. She did crafts with seven year old Hannah and bathed Caroline and put her to bed. She and Hannah began making dinner when the power went out. As if she lived there, Rachel grabbed all the blankets she could find and helped Hannah move the coffee table as they laid down the blankets and he started a fire. She then grabbed Caroline and laid her on the couch while Puck and Hannah began roasting Marshmallows. They then sat in the ottoman while his girls slept and he kissed her.

From that moment on she was his.

They dated through High School. Rachel helped him maintain his grades. He actually graduated with a 3.0 GPA. Rachel was naturally Valedictorian with a full scholarship to Julliard. Puck agreed to follow her to New York, even if that meant he wouldn't see Caroline as often, but Finn and Quinn were going to school in Massachusetts, so it wasn't that far of a ride. Everything was perfect.

Then Rachel found out she was pregnant. Naturally they weren't trying, but it happened. It was graduation night when they drank a bit too much and forgot to use protection. One would think that after the first 'mistake' (Nearly two year old Caroline Fabray-Puckerman) they would have learned their lesson. Obviously they didn't.

Her pregnancy was perfect, by the book. Light morning sickness her first trimester, then smooth sailing from there on gaining an even twenty pounds. Rachel transferred to NYU with him during her second semester and five months later, on June 7th 2010 Gideon Elias Puckerman was born.

The moment they placed their son on her chest, they both cried. He was tiny with her hair (A full head of dark curls) and his eyes and smile. He was perfect. Quinn and Finn brought Caroline down for the summer to meet her new brother. One of Rachel's favourite pictures was of the two of them the day they brought Gideon home from the hospital. Quinn had taken up photography and when they arrived at Rachel and Puck's apartment, Caroline insisted she was a big girl and she _had_ to hold her Giddy. Puck hated the nickname ( It wasn't badass enough) but it stuck keeping Caroline very happy. They propped the little girl on the couch surrounded by pillows and placed her brother into her arms. There was a contrast between the two children. Caroline had dirty blond hair and fair skin. The only thing they shared was their eyes which came from their father. In the picture Gideon was just staring at his sister in total awe as she looked down at him with the same expression.

They still had that picture beside their bed. Every time she saw that picture her heart broke all over again. She couldn't bring herself to move it.

They married shortly after their son was born. Gideon was a healthy baby, and when he was a year and a half she found herself pregnant once again. Nine months later they welcomed a daughter Amalia Quinn Puckerman. Giddy instantly decided to call his Leah. They were a family. They had three beautiful children. Everything was perfect, and then _it_ happened.

Shortly after Amalia was born, Rachel began to notice things. Gideon has always been a hyperactive child. He was always on the go doing one thing after another. He loved to jump around playing wildly with his father.

Puck was the first one to notice the change in his son. He was more tired than usual, but Puck brushed it off. They had a new baby in the house who had inherited her mother's lungs. They were all sleep deprived. By this time Quinn and Finn had moved back to Lima deciding they would rather raise Caroline there, so Rachel and Puck had Caroline for the summer. It started off as a great summer. Rachel would take the kids to Central Park, they'd get ice cream, come home, nap, do crafts. It was fun. Then one day Rachel was bathing the children when Caroline pointed out bruises on her brothers back. They ran down his spine. At first Puck brushed it off as typical boy behavior. He had plenty of bruises growing up, but regardless Rachel made him an appointment and that was the moment their life changed when the doctor informed them that their two and a half year old son had Leukemia.

They both sat their numb as the doctor explained his sickness. Gideon had Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia. Their healthy little boy was no longer healthy. He was sicker than they imagined. How was it even possible that he had… cancer? Rachel sat there numb as she held on to their son tears streaming down her face. Puck on the other hand was numb. He felt nothing.

Dr. Tyson agreed that they should start Chemo instantly and at first, it seemed to work. While it was hard to watch their son weaken, and to see his beautiful curls fall out, he was still the same child he once was and after six months he went into remission. Finally things were going back to normal and everything would be alright. It didn't last long.

Gideon was four when the cancer came back. This time more aggressively. They each tested to see if their bone marrow matched Gideon's. They didn't. Dr. Tyson then took them aside and asked if they considered having more children. Explained how the cord blood could help him fight the cancer. Rachel fell pregnant instantly. It was perfect, once the babies (She found out early on she was having twins) were born they could save their brother's life.

Unlike her previous pregnancies though, this one was harder on her. She had intense morning sickness, cramping early in her pregnancy as well as slight bleeding. Her doctor placed her on bed rest for most of her first trimester. She should have taken that as a sign. They had a cold winter, and Gideon came down with a rough case of pneumonia.

Rachel was still on bed rest when Gideon got sick. Because of their son's illness they had to treat ever cold, every fever as a serious threat due to is low immune system. Puck took their son to the doctor while she stayed at home with Amalia. They both knew he would end up in the hospital and once that happened, Rachel ignored her bed rest.

She spent every day in the hospital, laying in bed with her son, holding him as his body racked with coughs praying he would get better. Her fathers' agreed to stay and watch Amalia for them, and friends visited but all that mattered was their little boy. The problem was he didn't get better, only worse.

There is nothing worse than watching your child die. Rachel laid in bed with their son holding him as he cried, Puck watched on helplessly. Life seemed to stop around them and all they focused on was their child. Days turned into weeks. Their parents had to force them to go home, take care of themselves. Rachel tried to will her son to hold on. A few more months and the twins would arrive. They would save him. He couldn't hold on.

Gideon Elias Puckerman died November 19th 2017 at the age of five. They took his body back to Lima. That was home to both of them, and they wanted their son buried next to Puck's grandmother so she could watch over Gideon in the afterlife.

His death hit both his parents in different ways. Puck died. He was now Noah. He threw himself into work and provided for his family. He was the one that woke up with their daughter, made sure his wife ate, and tried to move on refusing to talk about Gideon. It was too hard for him, so it was easier to ignore it. Rachel shut down. She would spend most the day in Gideon's bed, in her arms the blanket they brought them son home in as she cried. Amalia was more confused than anything else. She wandered around looking for her elder brother only to never find him again.

Slowly as the months went by things got better. Rachel began to shower and take care of herself once again. She was still pregnant at this point and knew she couldn't handle losing another child, while Noah worked more. They avoided each other the best they could and at times it felt as if they were sleeping next to strangers.

The question of divorce shouldn't take him by surprise but it did.

"I can't do this anymore Noah." Rachel whispered as she looked at her husband with tears in her eyes. "I am so unhappy. I hate being here, I hate New York, I hate this apartment, I hate that every time I look at you I see him. I can't do this." She was bawling. Her whole body shook with tears as he pulled his wife into his arms.

"Babe, please don't do this." He whispered. He was no longer the badass he once was. Life sent him a huge' fuck you man' and he wasn't sure how to deal with that. "We can move.. We can go back to Lima. We'll be closer to Giddy baby. Our family. We can get away and start over. Me, you and Amalia. Please?" He was crying too. Badasses didn't cry, but he couldn't help it.

"Tomorrow? Can we leave tomorrow? I need to get out of here Noah. I can't… live here anymore. I'm going crazy. Every time I close my eyes I see him. I smell him everywhere. I can't Noah. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I feel him _everywhere_ and it's killing me inside." This is the most they've talked about when it came to their son. They both seemed to be aware that ignorance was bliss and it helped with the pain.

That was the moment Noah picked up the phone and made them hotel reservations. "We can stay somewhere else tonight. Pack… pack our things. We can deal with everything else later." And they left. Rachel packed only the things they needed while Noah arranged for their friend James to pack everything up for them and sell the apartment. He rented a car (They never had a need for a car before) and they headed home. Back to Lima, Ohio looking for change.


	2. Chapter 2

**(So this is Chapter two. I don't have a beta, this will probably be another chapter or two, I am not sure how much I like it, but I DO like the angst. I would like to thank all of you who alerted my story, sorry about the wait. Please remember to review! I love reviews :) I also spoke of Judaism briefly. I am Catholic but I did google that while they don't focus on heaven, I figured for the sake of a child it can be added in there. Thanks for reading. Also, I don't own glee.)**

"Do you think this will work?" Rachel whispered looking over at her husband. Was this what they needed? A fresh start and a chance to move on? Moving back to Lima did give them the support they needed. Her father's, his mother and sister, plus they would be closer to Caroline, and it was the place they decided to bury their son.

"It will work Berry. I promise." Noah clasped her hand in his and kissed it softly. The ten hour car ride became a day and a half between Rachel's bladder and Amalia's fatigue, they stayed the night in Pittsburg and finally they were within the City limits. They flew the last time they came home. Mere three months ago when they buried their son.

Pulling up to her fathers' house, Rachel got out of the car and stretched while Noah went to the back and picked up their sleeping daughter. Amalia reminded him of Rachel. She looked just like her with dark curls and big brown eyes. She was a petite little thing who has gone through so much in the past few months than most people go through in their lifetime.

"Daddy we home?" His daughter asked and Noah nodded. This was home. The place where he and Rachel had grown up, and the place where they met and fell in love. This was their home in every single way. This was Gideon's home.

"We're home." He walked over to Rachel and pulled her to him. She was still resistant but she wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed Amalia.

"Mama." Amalia reached for mother and Rachel held her daughter gingerly on her hip. Kissing her curly hair Rachel sighed and slowly walked to the door. The door flew open without her knocking and her fathers' took her in their arms. Holding on to their daughter as she cried.

They were staying with her fathers' until they found a place of their own. The Barry's home was bigger than Noah's mother's home. When they visited, Noah and Rachel usually slept in her old bedroom, while the guest bedroom was converted into room for their grandchildren. Their first night home, Amalia refused to sleep in that room.

"Would you like mama to sing to you Amalia?" Rachel asked as she sat on the couch holding her daughter. At moments like this she realized Leah and Noah were the last connections she had to her son. Holding her daughter to her tighter, Leah looked up at her as Rachel brushed back her hair and kissed her nose. In all reality she didn't look much like her brother. They had the same dark curls, while everything else was Rachel. Her eyes, her mouth, while her nose came from Noah. She was a beautiful child though. She really was.

"May I sleep with you?" Amalia hugged her tightly as Rachel looked over at Noah. He knew from that one look what her answer was. They said goodnight to Steve and Aaron Berry and made their way up to Rachel's old room. It was a hard fit. The bed was queen sized, and while it would fit them perfectly together, add in a thirty pound three year old and a pregnant belly, it's safe to say Noah found himself on the couch that night.

Amalia Puckerman was like her mother, an early riser. The tiny girl climbed out of bed, barely reaching the bottom of the bed as she ran downstairs to the living room. Spotting her father, she pulled back his eye lid and giggled hysterically. "Daddy up!" She exclaimed bouncing on her father's stomach and kissing him sloppily on the lips.

"Good morning to you too." Noah yawned noting it was still dark out. Opening his eyes, he gripped his daughter as he sat up and smirked. She had seemed to inherit his mother's Jewfro. Amalia's hair grew up instead of down, her wild curls seemed endless. "Someone needs a bath." He mumbled carrying his daughter to the kitchen and turning on the coffee maker. He seemed to be the first one up.

Grabbing his daughter a sippy cup, he placed her on a chair and began making breakfast for the family as he listened to his daughter whisper and giggle to herself. "Who are you talking to baby girl?" He asked as he began scrabbling eggs the way Rachel liked.

"My friend!" She giggled once again and leaned over the chair to whisper. She really was her mother's daughter. Sometimes he just didn't get her. She reminded him of Brittany. God he hoped Rachel's gene's kicked in.

The smell of cooking bacon woke the household up. Steve and Aaron both came downstairs and poured themselves a cup of coffee as they kissed their beloved granddaughter on the cheek. Amalia giggled, and Noah knew his daughter had her grandfathers wrapped around her tiny fingers. The only drawback to them living in New York for so long as that their children didn't get to see their grandparents often, that he didn't get to see Caroline as often. His little girl was nearly seven now. He saw her right after Gideon died. It's been too long.

"I'm going to go wake mommy." He was looking at his daughter as he spoke. Amalia giggled once again as Noah made his way upstairs and into the bedroom. Rachel was standing in front of the mirror in just a bra and panties. The sight of his pregnant wife always turned him on. There was something so… incredible about seeing her swollen with his child, but he could tell by the look on her face she was upset. "You alright babe?" He asked slowly walking towards her and wrapping his arms around her swollen stomach.

"I'm fine." Rachel liked to think she was a good actress as she smiled up at Noah, but she knew he saw through her lies. He always did. "I'm happy we're home… I'm just… "Then her emotions got the best of her and she was crying again. It's been three months since they lost Gideon. Three months of pure hell but he was ready to move on. Noah wanted to focus on the future. While he loved his son more than life itself, Gideon was gone. Nothing was going to bring him back, but he had a beautiful wife, two healthy daughters and two more on the way. If he focused on the past he was so afraid he would slip away, become a person he didn't even know it was easier to focus on the future.

"I know baby, I know… I miss him too." He kissed her forehead as Rachel cried into his arms pulling her into bed with him, Noah held her for a moment. "Think of Amalia. Please Rach? Think of her. She needs you." He kissed her forehead once again. "I need you." He kissed her cheeks. "We all need you. Come back to me Rachel." He couldn't take the broken shell that his wife has become. Rachel sniffled and nodded her head. Sitting up, she wiped away her tears and untangled herself from his arms as she got changed.

He watched her in slight awe. She was an amazing actress. She fixed her makeup and for the first time since they lost her son she looked like herself. "Is this better?" She asked. It was hard for her, acting like none of this mattered, like she could move on, but Noah was right. Gideon wouldn't want mama to lie in bed all day, Gideon was always on the go. He loved it best when they did fun things like they once did. She was doing this, for her son praying every day it hurt a little less.

Rachel and Noah made their way downstairs together, and when she saw her mother, Amalia ran to her and leaped into her arms. "You look pretty mama!" Her daughter exclaimed hugging her tightly, and Rachel held on to her a moment longer than she should.

"Thank you baby." She whispered kissing her daughter and walking over to her parents kissing them both as she sat down for breakfast. Maybe this wasn't as hard as she thought it would be.

They spent most the day with their family, and later that night Finn and Quinn came by with Caroline and their ten month old daughter Ava. Caroline Fabray-Puckerman was nearly seven now, she was a beautiful child that looked like her mother with her father's eyes. The second the door flew open, the little girl leaped into her father's arms and kissed him all over.

"Daddy! I missed you!" She exclaimed with a wide sunny smile. "Mama!" No one was really all that surprised when Caroline began calling Rachel, Mama the same way they weren't surprised when she began calling Finn, Papa. "You look pretty!" The seven year old blushed as she patted Rachel's tummy then she ran over to Amalia and picked her younger sister up swinging her around.

"We've all missed you." Quinn whispered as she pulled Rachel into a hug. Who would have thought Quinn Fabray would have become her best friend?

"Missed you too." Rachel hugged Quinn tightly and she bit down on her lips to stop the tears. "I swear these hormones are getting the best of me." They both laughed as Quinn handed Finn their daughter and the two women headed to the living room.

"How's she doing?" Was the first thing Finn asked him in the typical man relationship. Straight to the point.

"She's getting there. Today is the first day she actually dressed herself up. Slowly but surely." Noah mumbled to himself as he went to the fridge and grabbed them both beers. It was a ritual almost. Every time he and Rachel went home to Lima, she and Quinn would end up in the living room talking while he and Finn got the kitchen and usually the children. "She's gotten big." He nodded towards Ava. Ava was a pretty cute baby (But nowhere near as perfect as his) chubby and bald. She did remind him of Caroline when she smiled.

"Dude she's fricken huge. I swear Caroline sneaks her candy or something. She is twenty three fucking pounds." Finn had that proud smile look about him. Noah knew that look well.

"Eh as long as she's healthy." He took a sip of his beer and sighed. "I worry about her. All this stress isn't good for her pregnancy, and I know Amalia misses her mother. I really hope this is the turning point you know? Coming home will help things out. She asked me for a divorce before we left."

"No way!" Finn's mouth actually dropped open when he said that. He dated Rachel (A period which Puck rather not think about) so he knew what she was like. She said 'Divorce is an abomination to the sacred act of marriage' and to have Rachel go from that to this was pretty extreme.

"I know man, I know." He shook his head and looked over to where Rachel and Quinn were talking among themselves. Rachel had tears in her eyes as she pressed her hand to her swollen stomach. "I just want her back… I want my wife back." And by wife he meant _his_ wife. The Rachel Puckerman he married. The woman who laughed so loud she nearly snorted, the woman who was an amazing mother, an amazing cook. Fuck she was good at everything. He missed her so much, it didn't seem fair. They had everything. They were married, they had beautiful healthy children and then it was as if God said fuck you man and took it all away.

"She'll come back. Just believe." When did Finn Hudson get so smart?

They stayed with her parents for another two weeks when they finally found a place. It was bigger than their apartment in New York, two stories, four bedrooms, a huge backyard with a swing set. Ironically it was a house Rachel loved as a child. The house of her dreams finally belongs to her and it didn't seem right.

Slowly things were going back to normal. As to what they can consider normal now. Noah woke up early one Saturday morning to find the bed empty. Amalia refused to sleep in her own bed and with Rachel entering her eight month of pregnancy, he realized they needed a bigger bed. Stretching, Noah went to the bathroom and went downstairs.

He was surprised to hear laughing. Rachel was making breakfast while singing to Amalia in silly voices as their daughter tried to copy her voice.

"Again mama!" Their daughter shrieked bouncing around and dancing as Rachel sang.  
That's when she noticed Noah. Smiling at her husband, a smile that actually reached her eyes she picked their daughter up and hugged her tightly.

"Rach, you shouldn't be lifting her." He said weakly and Rachel just rolled her eyes.

"Don't tell me what to do Noah." She hummed softly as she balanced Amalia on what was left of her hip as she flipped a pancake. "I was thinking maybe we could go out? Maybe see the old crew?" For the first time since they moved home she seemed like herself. Noah nodded his head.

"We can do that. Come here Princess." He took their daughter and kissed her hair. "Want to get dressed?" He asked her and Amalia shook her head, her curls flying everywhere.

"Mama do it!" She looked over at her mother, her doe eyes and Rachel just nodded as she took their daughter's hand and waddled upstairs.

When they got to Amalia's room, the little girl began dancing around. "Mama I'm a princess!" She exclaimed bouncing and grinning widely at her mother. If you asked Amalia Puckerman, she _was _a Princess and everything was a fairy tale.

"You are a Princess Mali." Rachel agreed as she rubbed her back gingerly. The pregnancy was taking a toll on her, but for the first time she felt normal and she refused to let anything stop that. Grabbing a pink jumper and leggings (She really was her daughter) Rachel helped her daughter get dressed.

She had to admire her daughter. Amalia danced around as if nothing mattered, her curls bouncing freely with every move. To be that young and carefree once again… God Rachel missed that ignorance.

She was pulling on Amalia's tights, the barely three year old little girl looked over at her mother, her doe eyes wide and sad as if she were choosing her words slowly, or at least thinking things over. "Mama.." She asked slowly. "When is Giddy comin' home? I miss him."

That was the question Rachel was dreading. Staring at her daughter for a moment, Rachel felt as if everything had dropped. There was a sick feeling at the bottom of her stomach and she was sure it wasn't one of the babies. It was an innocent question from a child who really had no idea what was going on.

"Malia…" Rachel looked up seeing her husband at the door and he slowly walked into her room. They never really spoke of this with their daughter, Rachel insisted she was too young, but was she really? She was clearly a bright child who knew exactly what was going on. "Come on baby girl." He whispered pulling his daughter into his lap, and Rachel sat down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

They sat there quietly, their daughter in their arms as Rachel played with her hair. It was as if they had no idea what to say. How do you explain death to a two year old and a half? "You remember how Giddy was sick, don't you baby?" Rachel asked slowly as she stared down at her daughter. Amalia nodded her head trying to grasp the concept. "Your brother…" She couldn't word this right. How could she word this without inflicting any psychological damage?

"Mali, Gideon was sick. There are different forms of sickness, and while most won't hurt you, like remember that time you got a cough and ended up being fine?"

"I don't like bein sick." She whispered puckering her lips and shoving her thumb into her mouth. Rachel worked hard on breaking their daughter of that habit. Apparently it didn't last long.

"Yeah, daddy doesn't either. You got better though, remember? You will always get better Amalia. No matter what Mama and Daddy will be there. Nothing will happen to you." He looked at Rachel as he said that, reassuring her that nothing will happen.

"It's just…" Now he was lost for words. How could he look down at his beautiful daughter and explain any of this? When you had children they didn't come with a guide telling you how to cope with things like this. Parents should never outlive their children. Ever.

"Giddy went to heaven baby girl. God felt it was time to take him back." Rachel finished finally. She had tears in her eyes, and quickly wiped them away.

"Why? What heaven?" They both sighed. Her question was valid. They didn't want to have this conversation. He's already had one with Caroline and Quinn, it was harder explaining it to someone so young.

"Heaven is a magical place…" She whispered. While the afterlife wasn't talked about much in the Torah, it seemed like Rachel was going on for their daughter. "You are always happy, and nothing goes wrong. You get what you want, whenever you want, even if its ice cream for dinner." Rachel tickled her daughter who giggled softly. "There is nothing to be afraid of, no monsters everything is just perfect." She nuzzled Mali's neck and closed her eyes. "You know, Giddy is watching you from heaven, making sure nothing will ever harm you or your sisters. You will always have him watching after you."

Noah stared at his wife for a moment, complete awe in his eyes. She always talked to their children as if they were equals, scolded him for talking to them in baby voices, he could remember when Gideon was first born and she seemed to be carrying on a one sided conversation with the child as if he could respond. He has never loved her more than he did at this moment.

"So I talked to Uncle Kurt later. It seems like he wants to take someone shopping. I wonder who?" Noah cocked his eyebrow as their daughter leaped up and squealed the conversation seemingly forgotten. Getting out of their daughter's bed, Noah offered his hand to Rachel and helped her up, pulling her into a kiss.

For the first time in a long time she kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck as she slowly pulled him towards her. He could feel her swollen belly against his. "You're amazing." He whispered against her lips as they made their way downstairs after their daughter.


End file.
